Humility

photo taken from pinterest

When I started this blog, I did it so that I could help people. I've been overweight most of my life and I wanted to show people how I DID IT. I was proud as a peacock and though I had permission to give each and every person my opinion on food, diet and exercise. I HAD THIS DOWN!!!

And then something happened.

It began like a leak. I'd gorge. Ask my husband to go get me a cheesecake, ice cream, ANYTHING with sugar. Then I'd eat it. In a day or two it would be gone. I kept telling him, "I can get these few pounds off in no time." Then for a few days I'd eat perfect. The drip would come back....the sound in my head, "Just this once, just this once, it won't hurt!". I was still going to the gym, still doing an hour on the elliptical at least 5 days a week, I thought I was still IN SHAPE.

And not so suddenly, I am right back where I began. My trainer notices, of course. I notice. For weeks I haven't been to the grocery store, to the mini mart, out in public. I don't want them to SEE. More than likely no one will notice or even care. But the second I see someone in public I tell myself that they are talking about me. Have you ever felt like that? I don't even know if I have blog readers. But it has been therapeutic writing this all down. Like a diary but it's one that I'm holding out to the entire world.

When I was little, I remember getting my first diary. I asked my dad what to put in it, he said "Just write down what happened in your day.". I remember my first entry was 'today was a good day'. When I was 16 I burned my big purple diary, I didn't want anyone to ever read it. And here I am throwing out all my bare-ness for the entire world to judge.

I'm not sure what caused me to gain it all back. I've had a lot of personal things going on. A lot of sadness, hurt, shame and guilt. I wake up in the middle of the night with guilt. For not being present when I should have, for working too much when the kids were babies.
Sometimes it covers me like a thick, moldy wool blanket and I feel like I can't breathe.

God is the only way that I can lose weight. God is the only way I can ease myself of the guilt. I wrote a letter to my biological father about things that happened in the past. I doubt I will ever give it to him but it felt like a large person fell off of my back. I hadn't realized I was keeping all of that in.

Summer is also a hard time because my youngest daughter is gone for half of it. I hate being without her and I need to get a grip on the fact that I cannot control things. You get a divorce so your children don't have to be around that person and then you have to send them with the same person you were trying to keep them safe from.

So today I am here to confess my weight gain. To get up and start over. Again. again, and again, and again. I have to be healthy for my family and for myself. I don't want to be so ashamed of my body that we don't have a vacation. I want to go to the grocery store and I want to smile and MEAN it. I'm not going to talk myself into thinking that everyone is thinking about how fat I've become.

I was on the treadmill and my humongous again body was sweating from the small bit of exertion I was doing.

My trainer said "You might have given up on yourself, but I haven't."

Imagine how mad he must be that I've been working with him over a year and am standing before hime now at the same weight I started with (40 pounds lost then gained over and over). I would have fired me. But he stands there and says he's not giving up.

I am starting again, I am not going to gorge. I've started at 1400 calories a day and have been walking/jogging so that I can make it through a 5k in August.

Sometimes all you need is that ONE person to believe in you. I hope that everyone has a person like that. I thank God for him, and for every blessing I have been given. And today, I will begin giving God the credit, because without him, I am nothing.